Nothingness

for the past few days, even though you might not even have noticed that i was gone, thoughts of you still linger with me. that dark night, where i watched the constellations, gazing at your star sign, and how it's shape vaguely resembled the first letter of your name. and just then, when all the times flashed through the dark sky in front of me, when all the frayed memories resurfaced, that the inevitable truth dawned on me once again. and i asked myself,
why do i still miss you?

but i know i shouldnt, i can't. because it'll never be possible. it broke my heart to see you so sad yesterday. i still care for you, and no matter how hard i try, i'll never be able to change that godforsaken fact.

argh. i should just fuck off and sleep.

So Far Away

- Staind

This is my life.
It's not what it was before,
All these feelings I've shared.
And these are my dreams,
That I've never lived before.
Somebody shake me 'cause I,
I must be sleeping.

Now that we're here, so far away,
All the struggle we thought was in vain.
And all the mistakes, one life can take,
They all finally start to go away.
Now that we're here, so far away,
And I feel like I can face the day.
I can forgive, and I'm not ashamed,
To be the person I am today.

These are my words,
That I've never said before.
I think I'm doing okay.
And this is the smile,
That I've never shown before.
Somebody shake me 'cause I,
I must be sleeping.

I'm so afraid of waking,
Please don't shake me.
Afraid of waking,
Please dont shake me.

Maybe Not's

i wonder if everything now would be different if i hadnt held myself back, hadn't felt the blinding need to pull back into myself. the fear of rejection, the fear of heartache. was it all these that made me who i am today? perhaps its okay, i dont need anyone special. i have my friends, my sport, my music, my intrests, my family.
still, all amongst all these, sometimes, feelings, thoughts, emotions, all empty, tug at my heart, making me wonder.
is this worth all of this?
but its okay, somehow, through all these, i've learnt to invalidate my emotions. so i dont feel anything much anymore. for what i love, for what that makes me happy. i dont feel. i dont want. i dont need. you.

Indifference

draaagged myself out of bed this morning at 8am to go to church. father's day service. small group senior sunday school ( ass gee ass ass ass ) ( sgsss ) ( whatever ). lunch. back home. met rachel to collect her guitar. restringed the guitar. went to sleep ( almost ). online. blah blah blah. dinner. back. noise on guitar. online. blog.

and yes, i am a shrunken organ donor who loves to sniff mufflers.